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why are you the way you are - wander_free

Jan. 31st, 2010 11:21 pm why are you the way you are

Every now and again, someone will ask why I went to all the trouble getting a degree in education with all the bells and whistles (lesson plans and student teaching and practicums, oh my) only to chuck it and go into retail and then eventually go back to the classroom as a substitute teacher. Anyone who knows me is quite aware that it would take an act of congress to get me into the classroom full-time (and only then if they know the right buttons to push).

I usually blow them off with goofy answers and sometimes the hard truth.

I have three very strong, rather intractable reasons. The good reason, the bad reason and the crazy reason.

The crazy reason is the one I tend to avoid revealing. The good reason and the bad reason are easy enough for most people to understand and most prefer to walk away rather than batter their way to the crazy reason.

The crazy reason is exactly what it sounds like.

I have a panic disorder. Every few weeks I go a bit crazy and hide under the bed. I'm not the most reliable of people, freely admitted, prone to fits and melancholy that can and will effect the way I deal with the people around me. It's hard enough for adults to deal with it, it would be cruel (and detrimental) to expect the kids to deal with it. As long as I'm a sub, I can keep on top of it and make the decision about when to sub, depending on my mental state and how well I can keep it all together.

Technically, it's agoraphobia, which basically boils down to a fear of situations that might trigger panic attacks. I am well aware of what my buttons are, the things that will threaten my control and push me out of my comfort zone. Even as a sub, there are times when situations skirt precariously close to a panic area. As a full-time teacher, it would be hell on earth. No escape, no reprieve, day after day of the same situation. Been there, done that, I can't make it through it again, not with my sanity intact.

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